To all those overwhelmed by the glut of goodwill and the cascade of Christmas cards, not to mention the frantic aura of festivity, I offer this possibility of a calm and stress-free Yuletide:

Whereas the holder of this Certificate

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

has demonstrated over many years her/his disillusionment with the end of year activity known as “Merry Christmas”, he/she is granted this

Certificate of Exemption

from all pseudo-festivity, induced jollity and contrived bonhomie,

also from all card sending and receiving,

gift giving, gift guilt and gift recycling

and from any pretence at religious or spiritual affiliation

provided that

she/he shall maintain a cheerful disposition, a tolerant attitude and

a generous nature throughout the year

notwithstanding

occasional bouts of gloom, girning or grumpiness

not amounting to more than 7.2 hours (1%) in any calendar month

(in December this dispensation may be doubled).

However,

none of the above exemptions shall apply when

in the company of or within the hearing of any child  

who is still at the “wonderment” stage of life.

Given under our Hand,

Don Wells (aka B.A.Humbugg)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Hon Secretary

The Noel Abatement Society

The certificate has been found to be at its most effective when prominently displayed in your entrance hall, well above toddler height but in full view of early-doors

carol-singers, persistent good-cheer merchants and once-a-year drunks.